Dutch? I’m sorry, could you please speak American?

Ok, first “What Would Claire Do?” refers to our favorite family sitcom mom, Claire Huxtable.  When it comes to relationships we often ask ourselves WWCD?  So, it seemed a fitting category name for when we discuss relationships….as we were…

Okay, so apparently there is a growing trend in the dating world.  If you’re like me, you probably took pause at “Dating world”.  Yeah, turns out there is one out there.  I’m gonna blame my absence from this world on the various growing trends including the one that I’m finna discuss rat ‘chere…going dutch!  WTF!  Really.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m alllll about give and take in a relationship.  However, call me a traditionalist but ummmm, me paying is pretty much the impetus of a convenient headache,  a desert drawers inducing, antithesis of an aphrodisiac; a true  panty dryer.  After watching a wonderfully depressing movie last night, Love and Other Drugs , the main character makes a reference to having to give people something for their time and points out that “no one ever got laid going dutch”.  What an astute observation.  It seems that more and more of us are buying into the trend that being progressive means that you pay for yourself, or take turns paying the bill.  Maaannn F@UK THAT!!!  I am not wholly opposed to paying.  I am opposed to you inviting me out on a date and expecting me to pay for myself.  I will assume that I am paying for myself, however you should know men, I use the term loosely  if you allow me to pay for myself, any future potential we may have had has probably been left on the table with the tip.  jussayin.

Now we aren’t unreasonable gold digging ratchety wretches.  We have both been the woman to guys who didn’t have a dime to their names.  Wining and dining me isn’t the issue.  Let me clear my throat make it plain.  It’s not so much your ability to pay, but quite simply, your willingness and desire to pay is translated by the female mind as an expression of where she stands in your list of priorities, interests, cares, desires etc.  

So, in order to justify my thug  and ensure that this isn’t some “men suck” rant, I asked the opinion of a  keep it real to the point of err on the side of being an @ss hole trusted member of the mens in ‘nem group. Know what he said?  Of course not, I didn’t tell ya yet!  He eloquently responded that the notion of going Dutch is “WACK.  Shouldn’t happen unless clear friends, but I’m not a big fan of splitting checks in general.  Even friends can just alternate.”  Well put sir, well put.

Generally speaking, depending on the time spent and depth of the relationship, if you plan to do the horizontal mambo with this lady, she really needs to think she is at least in the top 5 of a 15 point list….yep, first date included.    It’s necessary cause ya know, men are generally flaky when it comes to relationships and attraction.  Non?(that’s French for no, see how I try to help ya’ll be cultured and sh!t (each one teach one.) 

If by chance you luck up on a situation where you are being laid with the panties despite doing the dumb dutch date ish,(you see what I did right there?) understand a couple of things….1. you may be the “D!ck in a glass”-your role is to handle bid’ness in the boudoir, and handle it well!  Play your role!  2. “Sugar Momma” You lucked up with a desperate/controlling chick who is willing to be with a guy that she can manipulate keep with her money, cause trust she will use it against you eventually, or 3.  the “heiress”-money is not an object and she’s used to having to pay for everyone in her life, or finally 4. “Naive”-this poor sweet girl believed them when they said going dutch is how you get ahead a man.  I was taught that a man who cares about you, is interested or intrigued by you will want to treat you, do for you, eventually provide for you and other such things.  Given that women can earn like men these days, this is not the burden it used to be.  If you don’t have it this rip and we are in a relationship and I do have it, no problem!  I gotcha babe.    Otherwise, I consider you handing me the big drawers with my share of the check.  I don’t even like big drawers! Keep those raggedy drawers!  

In my life I have encountered two guys who were members of the aint nothing wrong with going Dutch crew.  The first took me to an all you can eat shrimp buffet, which was free with the purchase two drinks.  I had beer…domestic.  Conversation revealed that he was a fan of Dutch or taking turns.  I paid for myself and never answered another call.  The other, well, in the words of Naughty by Nature, that’s not that simple. But I’ll try…it started out as friends, after which the type of relationship we had, became unclear, but was clarified by my consistently paying for myself on outings.  FRIENDS.  All good though.  You live and you learn. ( I’ve done both.)

Seriously, going Dutch may not be a deal breaker but it can be a game changer.  Consider this illustration for comparison  If you have two great women and one willingly gives you “sweet-n-low”( term for oral used by my fave gays in ATL), which one are you gonna spend more time with?  I think I’m pretty clear on exactly what Claire would do but what say you, enlightened, progressive, traditional people?

-Brookes

So you’re just gonna ask what they think without asking me?

((Jumping on soapbox))

So what’s funny is (but not really)...there are really still cats out here like this…of all the things that are now extinct…this can’t be one of em??!!! Geez, as much as I would love to debate you…I’m in total agreement on this.  Of course, once a relationship or even just a clearly defined and palpable understanding is established, I don’t mind reaching in my stash to contribute.  I really hate that chivalry died-btw nobody called and told me NOTHING… because it really worked!!  This new age “dating” has us all running around crazy.  I kinda think anyone who asks you to go Dutch….just really aint all that into you boo!  To think of it…I haven’t had ONE relationship result from a Dutch date…and I’ve had some relationships.  Oh wait, there was the guy who paid for drinks, but told me he refused to pay the tip, and I’d have to contribute something…umm..the bill was like all of $25…I paid no tip (it was the principle of the matter)…and yep…you guessed it… panties were very dry….and no, I never wanted to see him again. Petty? Maybe…but I’ll let you “progressive” chicks have him…

-Z

Momma Lied: It Almost Never Pays to be Nice

He's sensing the bs already...

So in today’s edition of ” Truths Bullshit Your Mother Told You”…somehow out of the blue, I had a  thought.  No really, don’t look that surprised, but yes insightful enough for me to pause, shift my weight, put my hand on my hip, and mumble, “that heffa”.  No really, of course she’s no heffa.  Anyhoo…it became apparent to me that we might very well be setting our children up for failure.  We raise them to be polite and considerate, and we tell them dumb stuff like “treat others the way you’d want to be treated.”  All of this for what?

Here you’ve raised your son to be the perfect gentleman… and in struts Felicia…yeah she’s the heffa, who apparently hasn’t quite discovered herself how she’d like to be treated…he writes her poems, send her flowers, and pulls out her chair.  Felicia takes all those things from him…willingly…all while getting her back blown out on the regular by Ol G Bobby Johnson ‘dem.  Dang Felicia! So, of course, I’m not advocating teaching your son the not so subtle art of a swift backhand, but this does beg the question, ” Who really appreciates nice people these days?”  People like grit.  They like to know you have some ummph about yourself.  Hence, the woman’s fantasy and quest for the coveted “corporate thug”.  Don’t get it twisted…men dog out “nice girls” every day of the week too…but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of post about the dumb ish men do at times…so no elaboration needed here today. The truth is, in theory everyone says they want to be connected to a “nice” guy/gal, but it never really pans out that way.  We’ve become so jaded by what’s hot, who’s lipstick is poppin, what car they’re driving  that seldom do we see people or offer ourselves to another transparently.

What happens if you call a woman you just met…shortly after receiving her number? You’re thirsty!!

If he attempts to pick you up from home or walk you to the door on the first date? He’s a stalker!!

What would you think of a woman who tells you she can’t wait to see you again? She’s needy!!

Knowing all this, we have found ourselves among a  culture of young people playing incessant games with eachother, and in reality, never really getting to know eachother authentically.  We’ve been trained from the beginning to be good human beings, but after a few bouts with heartache, we’ve quickly evolved into insolent self serving individuals…And since that’s what has become of us, it has become increasingly difficult for some to recognize and appreciate the remain “nice” folks in ANY light.

By no means does being nice only get you screwed in relationships and love, but also in the rat race workplace.  Im just sayin….when have you ever seen the super nice guy win…yeah, thats what I thought…never.  Its okay to be good, fair, and kind…but all of those things have oh so necessary limits.  We live in a cut throat (not to be confused with deep thoat, but kinda conjures up all the same images) society, and no one ever made it to the top being nice and pleasing everybody.  It just doesnt happen that way.  Its critical that we prepare our little folks for all of the jerks, hustlers, and CEO’s of the world.  So no…dont encourage your child to steal, cheat, and pimp, but you might want to explain when to play nice and when to play beast.  I’m sure they’ll thank you for it someday:-)

-Z

F.A.S.T.-For Argument’s Sake Though(you can expect us to debate like this)

I totally feel what you’re sayin’ yo actually I don’t feel it at all, I am numb-E.Badu but I don’t feel like being nice and using good sense are mutually exclusive.  You can be nice without walking around with a target around your neck that says “I’m a sucka”.  You and I have had this convo when it comes to the dating bit.  Being a nice guy only makes you look like a sucker when we have already established that we are not buyin what you are selling.  If we think you are the bees knees, all that nice guy stuff is a bonus!!  You #staywinning- Charlie Sheen.  Niceness is not the same as a void of self-worth and self-respect.  Love, on the other hand, will make a sucker out of you!  AND the good book tells us to love errbody. sooo, hmm perhaps we should teach them that the kicks will come but vengeance is the Lord’s so teach your kids to be nice and don’t let the jerks get to them.  Teach them to spread love but if they are girls draw a clear line between spreading love and the spreading of legs which can lead to the spreading of disease as well as spread hate and possibly murder

-Brookes